What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
