I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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