I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
