o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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