I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Randomize
