I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
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Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
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I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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