seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
