I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
