I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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