Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
