Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
