So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
