What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
