i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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