i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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