you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Pants are for mortals
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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