Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
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I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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