I'm so fucking centered right now
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
