Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
