i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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