I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
