Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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