...so i touched it.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
