someone threw a dead crab at me
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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