so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
