you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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