Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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