People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
splinters make it hard to masturbate
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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