I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
