Small penises have feelings too.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
