so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I intend to get homeless drunk
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
