sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
