i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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