Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
