He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My ATM looks so different sober.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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