Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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