my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
