Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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