so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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