smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
