I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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