He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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