the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
