Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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