She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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