I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
