so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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