Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
