The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
