Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
