i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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