You're my little dorito
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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