Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
