There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
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Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
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For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
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