I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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