even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
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Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
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I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT