In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.